Another part of Poly

So, the reason I named my site "Polymathematics" is that the things I do (my life, my hobbies, my politics) are so varied that I wanted to see all (or most of) the parts of it in one place.  I'm still not sure if it will work.  But here's another part of my polylife...a big one.

In about April or May of next year, my wife and I will be adopting a baby from China.  Let's get some common questions out of the way first:

1. So you're at the end of your fertility treatment options?  No, actually, we haven't tried conceiving;  adoption is our first choice.  Neither my wife nor I have any serious emotional attachment to passing our actual DNA to a new generation--my life is my loves, views, desires, interests, etc.  I can pass those on sans DNA.
2. Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?  Due to the political situation in China, our baby will almost surely be a girl.  Chinese culture and law are asymmetrical in how they treat boy and girl children--girls are fine, but boys (supposedly) take care of you when you're old.  If the Chinese government says you can only have one (or two if you live in a rural area and your first one is a girl), you might have to give up a girl so you can have a boy for your old age.  Sad, but true.
3. Do you know how old she'll be?  Probably 9-12 months, no younger than 6 months, possibly as old as 2.
4. Why aren't you adopting an American kid who needs a home?  (Smart-ass answer for a lot of people:  Why aren't you?)  Real answer:  We (mostly my wife, to be honest) did the research, and this choice works for us.  And we kinda resent the implied rebuke in the question.  So please just accept our decision.

We're currently awaiting our final document from the U.S. government, which could arrive any day now.  We will "be DTC" (Dossier To China) by mid-August.

Amazingly, in the middle of writing that very sentence, my wife informed me that the document came in the mail!!!

So in addition to all the normal preparing-for-a-baby stuff (which we're doing a bunch of over the summer because it's less busy than during the school year), we've been talking a lot about where we want to live when she starts school, since the school systems around here are enormously varied.  Which brings up one of the central issues of this adoption:  Our child will be of a different race than us.  We are Caucasian, she will be Asian.

What's it like growing up Asian in America?  Well, I have Asian students and acquaintances and friends (although not especially close friends).  I've done some reading about growing up as an Asian adoptee.  I've spent time learning about how racism works.  I can't know for sure what it's like, but here's what I know:  Asian-Americans experience race very differently from African-Americans.  The stereotypes are not as blatantly negative, but they are at least as strong.

• Asian kids do well at school.
• Asian kids work really hard.
• Asians are non-confrontational.
• Asian families are male-dominated.
• Asian culture is "exotic".
• Asian women are highly sexualized, but submissive.
• Asian straight men are asexual.
• Asian gay men are very sexual.
• Chinese people are sneaky, inscrutable.

There are lots of them.  And they hurt.  Teachers might be less likely to help a struggling Asian student if they think it can't be a serious problem.  Standing up for beliefs might be more likely to be punished if it is viewed as unnatural.  Will our daughter ever be sure that romantic interest in her isn't a fetish?  And since many of these stereotypes contribute to the "model minority" image, the pressure on kids to conform to the stereotypes is huge (if you could be pretty sure that certain non-academic behaviors would cause people to look at you as brilliant and hard-working, wouldn't you behave that way?).

So....what does that mean for our daughter?  Should we find a school that has enough Asian kids to make her feel more at ease?  If many of the non-Asians are Black, would that help her learn to cope better with racism?  What about the reported anti-Asian sentiment in the Black communtity.  Is that a stereotype, too?  What if it's not?

I know, I know.  All you Asians and African-Americans and Latino/as reading this are thinking "welcome to my world, Mr. Oblivious White Guy."  Having been a teacher for a while now, I hope I'm more sensitive to the insidious effects of racism than most Oblivious White Guys.  And I'm painfully (and guiltily) aware of my White privilege--in particular, the fact that Whiteness is basically neutral in American culture.  My wife said it well when she pointed out that having an instant interracial family will force us to shed this racial neutrality.  Of course it would be good for a lot of people to be forced to do this.  Probably good for me, too.

I don't have answers.  You know how some people think that math is hard?  I'm sure it is for some people who's minds don't think of it in the right way.  But I think race is hard.  That's because America doesn't think of it in the right way.

Welcome to America, daughter.  We love you.  I'm afraid that won't always be enough.

Comments

[cmcq]

You guys are brave. Can't wait to meet your daughter.

[Robert]

Small world -- I found your blog through Moebius Stripper's blog, because I am a math person, same as her and you. But I also have an adopted daughter from China, whom we received in September 2004, at the age of 8 months old (!). I have a couple of pictures up in a recent post at my blog (just keep scrolling). Lucy is the light of our lives, and she has been the greatest blessing we've ever experienced. You are in for a terrific adventure.

We're asking the same kinds of questions about ethnicity as you. Lucy is just 18 months old now, so it'll be a while before this becomes a serious issue for her, but she already shows signs of being able to notice who looks like her and who doesn't. Our approach has been to stay active in celebrating and learning about China -- we went to a local Dragon Boat Festival celebration and to a Chinese New Year shindig, we cook lots of Asian foods, etc. -- and as Lucy grows older, we'll encourage (but not force) her to participate in cultural activities depending on her interests. We want her to be aware and proud of her heritage. Part of the reason we chose China was because *we* like China, and the culture is important to us as a family in general.

But at the same time, we want her to be who she is, a unique person in the world with a unique blend of gifts and talents and insights. So we want to encourage her to try all sorts of things. Right now she is way into the Wiggles, Elmo, and going to the zoo -- pretty typical for any 18-month old.

An important thing to look into is having connections with other CHinese adoptive families. This will be good for your daughter, so she can have play dates and make friends with other kids who came from the same background as she did -- and for you and your spouse, so you can have friends too who are going through the same sorts of things raising your kids. My wife and I wouldn't have made it this far without the help and guidance of the people we travelled with.

[Polymath]

Hi Robert,

Thanks for your comments...good to see other Chinese-adoptive fathers around!

[Moebius Stripper]

Why aren't you adopting an American kid who needs a home? (Smart-ass answer for a lot of people: Why aren't you?)

Right on. I've gotten more than one person ask me why I don't cut off my (thick, waist-length, dark) hair and donate it to kids with cancer. Um, why don't they spend a decade growing their hair, and chopping it off, if they're so concerned about the kids with cancer?

Though nowadays I just mention that I'm in the bone marrow registry (true), and that's my contribution to kids with cancer, and do they have any other suggestions for how I could serve sick kids with my time and money? Shuts them right up, because more often than not...they don't.

(And - congrats on the adoption! A good friend of mine has a baby sister adopted from China, and she's loved to pieces.)

[Lisa]

Why don't I adopte from the US you ask? Because I don't want to raise an adopted child.

Instead of so much worrying about racism, why not learn what it's like to grow up adopted?

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier would be a good start.

[discount cigarettes]

We're currently awaiting our final document from the U.S. government, which could arrive any day now. We will "be DTC" (Dossier To China) by mid-August.