Math Spectrometer

"Mr. T.....I Am Your Father"

(original post and comments here)

Yesterday in class, I saw that a student had written "Darth Vader" on the side of his book. This caused one of the few uncontrollable laughing spells I've ever had in front of the class. I started imagining having the actual Darth Vader in my 8th grade algebra class.

    **Metallic Breathing Sound**

    (pause)

    (in deep James Earl Jones voice): "Now, distribute the negative"

    (pause)

    **Resume Metallic Breathing Sound**

I just imagine him, 7 feet tall in full black cape and helmet, taking up one side of the 2-person desks in my classroom. Sharing with Becky. Tiny, pale, skinny Becky, cowering nervously at the 4 inches of table Darth has left her.

    **Metallic Breathing Sound**

    (black armored arm raised)

    Me: Uhh, yes, Darth?

    Darth: Mr. T....I am your father.

    Me: Can we save that for after class, Darth?

    (pause)

    **Resume Metallic Breathing Sound**

And woe be unto me if I just don't explain it well enough.

    **Metallic Breathing Sound (this time more animated)**

    Darth: I do NOT understand.

    (reaches out hand from the back of the room to do the "force choke" on me)

    Me: **cough, gasp** they're reciprocals

    (lets me go)

    Darth: Of course. Reciprocals.

    (pause)

    Darth: My bad.

    (pause)

    **Resume Metallic Breathing Sound**

Maybe I've just been under too much stress lately, but I just lost it laughing at that.

Just a Theory

(original post and comments here)

Remainders are just wrong.

By which I mean both mathematically and morally.  Division is such a natural idea that I can no longer accept that it might not "come out evenly".  It is still acceptable to have division result in a decimal, but not in a remainder.  Here is my logic:

I call it my theory of Intelligent Division.  A search of the text of the bible reveals that the word "remainder" is only used to describe the outcome of subtraction, never division.  This is a clear indication that a "remainder" upon division is not an acceptable result.  Rather, we must postulate that in all instances of division, an intelligence greater than ourselves is guiding the outcome, and such an intelligence would never allow something as sloppy as a "remainder".  Look, for instance, at the decimal result of any division.  There is a clear sign of an intelligence at work, because the numbers after the decimal point show non-randomness to a high degree.  To ignore that pattern (in favor of "remainders") would be to ignore the obvious intelligent hand guiding the process of division.

Our culture has clearly lost its way when so-called "number theorists" discuss the notion of ugly "remainders".  Such immorality has spawned completely unnatural processes such as "modular arithmetic" in which 350 times 2 equals 34 ("modulo 666", a clear sign of unscrupulousness) when we all know it must equal 700.  These "mathematicians" tell everyone that "remainders" are an established fact in number theory, and that they explain all sorts of facts about numbers.  But they never explain to you that number theory is only that:  just a theory!

And this theory has huge flaws.  The most glaring of these is the remainderist idea that "you can't divide by 0".  Any theory with such huge gaps in the evidence cannot possibly stand up to intense scrutiny.  The bible contains the word "divide" 129 times (the word "add" only 53 times, "subtract" not at all, and "multiply" only 48 times), and surely it is impossible that such a holy operation would be so fatally flawed.  The time is clearly ripe to overthrow the intellectual hold that remainderists have had on our education system for years.

America's children are being taught about these "remainders" from as early as 8 or 9 years old, and it is time for change!  I demand that Intelligent Division be taught along side "remainder" division so that the 8- and 9-year-olds can make an informed decision about what is mathematically correct.  We cannot let the remainderists set the curriculum for our youth.  If you live in a family-oriented school district (especially in Kansas), please let the school board know that there is an alternative.  They can demand that students be exposed to all ways of looking at division, not just the ways the remainderists insist upon.  The future of country is at stake here.