I don't do a whole lot of posting about my everyday life on this blog...it's hard to imagine many people are interested. My wife tries, but it's hard even for her to be interested in how Ken did on his test or whether Alice is going to stay in my class or move to a slower one. Why should almost anyone be interested? Except, of course, Ken and Alice. That's the paradox of teaching. On the one hand it's everyday life for me. I had to write about 75 paragraphs this past weekend--a description of how each of my students is doing. I just had to plan to be at work for most of the time. It's a huge annoyance to my life, but...well...part of the job. And it can mean depression or elation or grounding or vacation for my students. I spend like 10 minutes on each one, and it could be a huge deal for them. It's one of the things non-teachers don't really get, I think. On one hand the pressure to be fair and precise and diplomatic is huge. On the other hand I just want to get the hell out of there and get on with my weekend.
Since my martial arts organization (and bear with me here, there is a connection coming) doesn't really let you take a black belt test unless you're adequately prepared, the test itself feels like the afterword to the ordeal, not the ordeal itself. Almost anti-climactic. My anti-climax is this Saturday. It's hard to get nervous about this test, or any test I might take. Not because it's no big deal. Because it is. But because I can't really feel huge emotion about any kind of test anymore. I'm now a professional at tests. That's pretty much the definition of a true professional: someone who can do the job with skill, but not let his/her emotions get caught up in it too much. I know that all tests are subjective, no matter what anyone says. I've written many and graded many. Taking one is just part of that now. So it's hard to get nervous.
But it's the other side of the same coin. I ***YAWN*** write tests while I'm "yes, I'll pick up some dinner" just living my (shit, I forgot to call the bank) life. But for the students, those same tests are cause for sleeplessness or panic. There's the slightly OCD kid who gets completely flustered if the instructions on page 2 of the test mention problems #7-#12, but the problems on the page are numbered #8-#15 because I changed the test from last year but forgot to change the numbers. ***YAWN*** for me, panic for him. Professional and unemotional for me, upset about a C because of the panic for him.
I'm pretty busy this week. I'll probably not post until after my black belt test. ***YAWN*** another test. Next Saturday. Tests are everyday life...and I don't post much about everyday life.
How do I feel about it? Not much. How should I feel about it? I don't even know anymore.